A New Landmark In Human Comprehension.
Ricky Gervais: Hello and welcome to "Learn English with Ricky Gervais"
I'm Ricky Gervais. With me, Karl Pilkington.
RG: I won't be speaking your language, I won't be translating what I say. I'll just be speaking English, OK.
The translation will come up on the bottom of the screen.
RG: This is my friend, Karl Pilkington. He is bald. He is bald. He has no hair. Karl Pilkington has no hair.
KP: I know - they can see I've got no hair.
KP: Well, what do they need to know that for? If they're learning a language, "a bald head" isn't that important. Teach them how to ask for bread or milk.
RG: We'll get to that. But this is about friendship and family, you know. So… It's all useful. There're so many words. They might as well start somewhere.
KP: There's to many words. Lot oh words. Lot of words.
RG: So you say it. Karl Pilkington is bald. Karl Pilkington has got a head like a fucking orange.
KP: I relly don't know why they need to learn this.
RG: Because they might need to say that one day.
KP: But I get enough abuse now from English people, I don't want Chinese suddenly turning up going "bald fucking orange". Teach them how to say milk. I need milk. Milk for tea. Coffee. Teach them useful stuff.
RG: OK, well teach them something then.
KP: Who am I talking to?
RG: People around the world. They can't speak English yet, so what do they…?
KP: The Chinese… I've been to China. And none of them know English.
KP: So they need to learn English.
KP: So..... Ermmmm........ What would they want to know? You see, they don't need to know about milk. Because they don't like milk. They think English people smell of milk. They smell of milk. Smell.
RG: What does 'smell' mean, Karl?
KP: Smell. Stink. Fucking hell, you smell. Rank.
RG: Rank.. So you have got a Chinese fella… He's coming over here and he's learnt the word 'rank'. Meaning 'you stink'.
KP: Smell. Stank. Stunk. That stunk.
RG: Why are you teaching them pidgin English?
KP: You said they want to know about 'smell'.
RG: Right. But. Why are you teaching them without prepositions? Why are you teaching them to speak like this....? Hmmm… Stink! You shit? Why are you teaching them..... Just speak proper English.
RG: Always speak proper English. Ok - tell them…
KP: So what do they want to know?
KP: Smell. So we're featuring the word 'smell'
RG: This is about the word 'smell'.
KP: When something smells… they know what it means. When something stinks… When it's off…
RG: It doesn't always mean that.
RG: It's also a verb - 'to smell'. It's a verb. 'Smell' is a verb.
KP: Yes, but what they've got to remember is… If they go up to someone and go 'you smell'… It's not always positive. You'd say, 'you smell nice'. But if you say, 'you smell'. You 'll get a smack in the face.
RG: Smack in the face! Smack in the face! Karl, what's a smack in the face?
KP: When someone thumps you. Thump.
RG: The worst English lesson ever. Ok…
KP: Are we focussing on Chinese?
KP: Well we should, because different people want different things.
So what would Chinese want? They come to England. What do they want?
RG: Why are you talking to me like I can't understand English now?
KP: I'm trying to think how to be clear to them.
RG: Ok. So forget where they come from. Wherever they're from, they all want the same things.
KP: But words don't mean the same thing. There's people where it stink in the world. They wouldn't come here and need to say 'it smells'. Because they're from a smalier place.
KP: Yes, they are. Milk. Let's do milk.
RG: Ok. Let's do milk for anyone who isn't English. We will act out a scenario where you might need milk. Hello Karl.
RG: Would you like a cup of tea?
KP: Yes please. Strong… What teabags have you got? That is a question I ask. Because it all dependson the amount of milk. Do you have Typhoo? That means more milk.
RG: 'Typhoo' does not mean 'more milk'.
KP: No, it's a very strong teabag. Twinings; little bit of milk.
RG: They don't need to know the details. This isn't a travel guide. This is English for people who can't speak English…
RG: Hello Karl, would you like a cup of tea?
KP: I'd love one - I'm gasping.
KP: What? Teabag, yes. That should be alright.
KP: Just a drop. A drop… not much.
RG: Would you like semi-skimmed milk?
KP: Yes. Whoa! It's alright, that.
RG: Karl is enjoying his tea. He had it strong with a drop of milk. So that's the basics… In England we like to drink tea. We drink tea. We also drink coffee. We also drink beer. Let's go shopping! I'll just comу into the shop.
KP: What sort of fish do you want? We've got loads.
RG: What sort a fish are there?
KP: Loads. I haven't got time to be honest. You've come at a busy time. Have a look and come back to me.
RG: What type of fish is this?
RG: Ok. A kipper. What's a kipper?
KP: Chinese and Japanese know fish is really well…
RG: Stop thinking we're just talking to Chinese and Japanese… This is for anyone who wants to learn English. Anywhere around the world. They might be Spanish, They might be French, They might be German. Ok? Why do you only care about the Chinese learning about this?
KP: Because most Spanish people can speak English. They've been taught it.
Kipper. It's a fish. Sort of fishy sort of fish. There's some fish that are more meaty. Tuna. What sort of thing are you after today? Is this for you or someone else?
RG: This is for me. I'd like to buy a fish please.
KP: Surely you know what a kiper is. Look at it. Look at the fish. Here, it's called kipper. Where are you from?
KP: I'd just wrap any old shit up and give it to you. You'll like this… tenner! Rip you off… Because i'm busy. That's what happens in this country. They need to be careful. If you're comming to England.... Don't get ripped off. Rip off! Conned! Taken advantage of.
RG: Look at this foreigner. I done him up like a kipper!
KP: This is when English gets complicated. Because.. a lot of English words can mean many things. Where? Wear. Same word. Different thing. Wearing. Where've you been? I'm wearing a jumper. Where've you been? Where.
RG: At the SPA. Hello. I'd like to book a treatment.
KP: OK. When would you like it?
RG: Can we just do it so it's avilable now?
KP: Well alright. I can fit you in. Someone hasn't turned up. In ten minutes?
RG: I would like a back, crack and my sack waxing please. I would like my back waxed, my crack waxed and my sack waxed.
KP: I have to be on reception. You can't request who's doing your sack, your crack or your back. There's a woman in the back who does your crack. This is fucking insane. Right. That's enough. I don't know who's going to learn anything from this.
RG: Wait. Wait. OK. Well ask me some questions.
KP: No need. I said you can go in in ten minutes. I'm not doing it. I'm not paid or qualified to be sorting your arse out.
RG: Wait. Wait. OK. Actually… thinking about it… The hair on my crack hasn't grown back. Nor has the hair on my back. But my sack is very hairy. My sack is very hairy. I don't need my back waxed or my crack waxed. But I need my sack waxed.
KP: Now. I'm surprised you haven't done it self. Becausу it's the back and the crack that's difficult. The sack you can do yourself. To be honest, it should all be growing at the same time. So there's something wrong with you that you've got a hairy bollock. Your back is lovely and bald. You don't need doing.
RG: Bald! Bald! My back is bald. My crack is bald. My sack needs waxing. It's quite an emergency. My balls are very hairy. Can I have them waxed please?
RG: How much just for the balls?
RG: For two. OK. Nice good. So seven-fifty each.
KP: But we don't split it. That's the price. You can't have one done. It's fifteen pounds.
RG: I have two balls. I have two balls. How many balls do you have, Karl?
RG: Karl has two balls. Are your balls hairy?
RG: OK. Which is strange because Karl's balls are hairy, but he is bald on his head. His head looks like a ball. His head looks like a ball testicle. Karl has a head like a ball testicle. But his testicles aren't bald. OK. How long will it take to wax my balls?
RG: So it's fifteen pounds. And ten minutes. Can you do it now please?
KP: No I won't be doing it - you'll be meeting Lesley. In the back room.
RG: Oh, I don't really… I'm a little bit shy. I know you.. Could you…?
KP: You don't know me. You've just turned up.
KP: No! I'm not waxing your balls, bollocks, scrotum, yhhh.. what else is there? Teste. If you having one done. Bollocks. Sack. What else is there…?
RG: OK. We've done waxing. OK. At the doctor's. Hello Doctor.
KP: OK. Whereabouts is the pain?
KP: Course it is! None of this is worth learning. Go home. If you're ill, go home.
RG: No. If a foreign fella's in this country…
KP: He couldn't use our health service if he had an achy arse. He'd get on the first flight home. Why are you doing travelling? You're here as a tourist, yes? Right. Well see London. Instead of worrying about your hairy bollocks, see the London Eye. The London Eye. Tower of London. These are things that'll be useful to them. Tower of London. London Eye. Buckingham Palace. The Queen. I've never been on holiday and had have my anus seen to. I haven't had to have it seen to here at home. Give them useful words. 'Fromage'.
RG: Why are you teaching them a French word if we're teaching them English?
KP: I'm just saying useful phrases.
RG: What would you do to teach them? Karl will now teach a useful scenario.
RG: Anyone you want me to be. What do you want to do?
KP: The bins haven't been emptied.
RG: You're making this scenario up.
KP: So who are you? The conuncil?
KP: Right. You're my heighbour.
KP: Why do you keep putting bins out? The bin men don't come till Thursday. You keep putting bins out.
RG: I'm very sorry Karl. I've had a bit of trouble. I woke up this morning and it's the worst it's ever been. Distended. I've got a prolapsed rectum. A distended… My testicles are very low because I'm old. I'm dilapidated the hair.
KP: Just put the bins out on Thursday.
RG: I can't… my balls are so low because I'm an old man.
KP: Can you put.. The bin men don't come till Thursday. It's Tuesday. You're too early. Foxes are getting at them… there's shit all over the place. There's dirty underpants you keep putting in the bin. I've told you. It attracts foxes. Stop putting the fucking bins out… two fucking days early… when they've got to sit there.. I'm trying to sell my flat. There's dirty, shitty undies… all over the fucking pavement.
RG: This has happened to you hasn't it?
RG: Has it really? What did you do?
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RG: We hope that's been useful for you. So when you visit England you can talk just like an Englishman. Thank you for learning English with Ricky Gervais and Karl Pilkington.