As you know we have all prospective employees take a lie detector test prior to joining our firm.
So if you don’t mind we're going to begin with a couple of control questions.
Should I be hooked up to something?
But with the new Lie Detector 3000, it's programmed to go off when it hears you tell a lie.
For example, go ahead and tell an obvious lie.
[BEEP]
[BEEP]
[BEEP]
I love it. I’ve never missed one.
Now go ahead and say something that is true so we can properly calibrate the machine.
That’s kind of weird, it should have gone off.
Why?
Actually, it might be thirteen.
[BEEP]
No?
Hey Mike, did you get a chance to email me those mission statements?
[BEEP]
[BEEP]
All right! I haven't even started yet.
[BEEP]
You suck. I’ll be back at my desk working.
[BEEP]
I’ll be playing Angry Birds on my phone.
Is it true you that reside at 1444 North Sierra Bonita Avenue?
Oh, when I moved here I went on Westside Rentals.
No…
No, how do you live with a twelve-inch penis. I mean, how is that even possible?
Okay, I’m getting a little uncomfortable with this line of questioning.
I'm sorry, I’m sorry. You’re right.
I mean it’s just that twelve-inches, that is like a freaking beef bus! You know what I’m sayin’?
Why are you- why are you so concerned about my penis anyhow? I mean, are you gay or something?
[BEEP]
Hey! Nobody loves pussy more than I do!
[BEEP]
All right. I'm a flaming homosexual. But do me a favor?
Don't tell anybody because nobody knows.
[BEEP]
No!
Have you ever been fired from a job before?
No.
[BEEP]
3 times.
Have you ever stolen from an employer before?
No.
[BEEP]
How much would you say you've stolen before?
[BEEP]
500 dollars.
[BEEP]
[BEEP]
44,793 dollars.
Well-
[BEEP]
I'm going to be honest, Dane. This interview is going really well.
Yeah?
[BEEP]
No. This is the worst interview I’ve ever been a part of.
However, company policy dictates I ask you one final question.
Okay.
Would you ever have sex with a man in order to get a job?
No.
[BEEP]